Farewell 2013

As 2013 draws to a close, I thought I’d make some awards for sporting endeavours and achievements over the past 12 months.

But firstly, in the spirit of random writing, I gave myself two minutes to come up with eight former sportsmen whose whereabouts these days intrigue me. So here we go.

Daniel

The former Phoenix fan favourite was, by way of a vastly reduced contract on offer, shown the door by the Nix in 2012. He took out NZ citizenship while here and declared his goal to represent the All Whites, which he never did. He now plies his trade for INSEE Police United Football club in Thailand and has apparently scored ten goals this season. The Nix could do with ten goals about now…

Steve Woodin

My favourite 1980’s All Whites striker possessed one of the sweetest left feet in the game back then. He was one of the Pommie brigade who made their way to our shores in the 1970’s. It’s surprising to me that he made only 24 international appearances, but I’ll never forget his immense contribution to our journey to the World Cup in 1982.  He now appears as a football pundit in several areas of the media.

Kerri Boagni

The former NBA draft pick in 1986 was, along with Kenny McFadden, the main man of NZ basketball in the late 80’s and 1990’s. After several outstanding seasons for the Wellington Saints, he transferred to Hawkes Bay before moving back to Los Angeles where he continues to reside today

Kevin Campion

The man with a face that only his mother could love was the legendary hard man of the Warriors pack in the early 2000’s. His one-sided punch-up with Broncos enforcer Shane Webcke was a personal favourite of mine. After retirement from the North Queensland Cowboys in 2004 he had a brief coaching stint back in Auckland before returning to Queensland

Jerry Seuseu

In the spirit of ex-Warriors tough guys with extremely hard skulls, Seuseu was another to come to mind. After leaving Auckland in 2004, he had a couple of seasons playing for another Warriors team (Wigan) before returning to work for Auckland Rugby League. He now works for the Warriors (Auckland).

Heath Davis

The former speed demon bowler, full name Heath Te-Ihi-O-Te-Rangi Davis, was successful largely because he had as much idea where the ball was going to be bowled as the batsman did (none). He regularly clocked up speeds over 140 km/h at the bowling crease and sometimes held the ball ‘cross-seam’ in a desperate attempt to control its trajectory.  Davis currently resides in Brisbane, Australia, and is involved with cricket coaching

Merv Hughes

Mighty Moustachioed Massive Merv was one of the true characters of sport in his playing days. He would simply not survive in the sport these days as he was not exactly the fittest, slimmest or cleanest-living of chaps. He was known to ‘sledge’ a batsman or two in his time but one of my favourites was a response he produced. Having just hit the big man for a boundary, abrasive Pakistani batsman Javed Miandad told him that he resembled ‘a fat bus conductor’. Next ball was a beauty that removed Miandad from the crease. As Hughes ran past Miandad he simply acted out the motion of a passenger pulling the bell/buzzer on a bus and said ‘ding ding, tickets please’. Brilliant.

Hughes most recently was a selector for the Australian team until 2010. He also dabbles in media work.

Chris Donaldson

The Kiwi sprinter with the movie star looks and the movie director father was always one of the top New Zealand athletes in the 1990’s and into the 2000’s. With a PB of just 6/100ths of a second away from Gus Nketia’s NZ 100 metre record of 10.11 seconds, Donaldson represented NZ at several World Championships and the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. He now works as the Black Caps Strength and Conditioning Coach

And The Award Goes To…

Most Predictable Unoriginal Repeated Headline Award

‘Calypso Collapso’. As in the West Indies. As in cricket. As in one of the least creative/most repeated headlines ever – right up there with ‘Ben Smith is the Centre of Attention’.

Team of the Year

The All Blacks of course. Their achievements this year were nothing short of astonishing and I think it will largely continue next year. My concern is around bulk. Sure these guys are big, but many opposition players are seemingly bigger. And they’re getting larger by the year. We just have to keep an eye on that…

Heads Buried in the Sand Award

NZ Rugby Union. They’re in the black financially. TV audience numbers are good. Their prime assets dressed all in black are humming.  BUT the grounds are empty (or near to it anyway) for all but international matches. Super rugby isn’t all that super anymore and the ITM Cup, with its crazy ‘there’s-a-Premiership-and-a-Championship-but-everyone-plays-everyone-else-regardless-of-which-division-they’re-in’ setup is just damn confusing. All the NZRU’s eggs are in one black basket. They have to sort the domestic side of things or there may not be a product to sell one day.

The Late Bloomer Award

When Ross Taylor was unceremoniously and disgracefully dumped as Black Caps Captain, he could’ve responded by cracking or just walking away. Instead he has responded by scoring a shed load of runs including three test centuries, including one double century, in the current series against the Windies. He’s always had the natural talent to be one of our best and now, in his late 20’s, he’s finally starting to fulfil it.

Most Disappointing Team of the Year

And the contenders are…

Phoenix

Warriors

Breakers

Gee, it’s a tough call but I’m going to give it to the Breakers. Their fall from grace, as I’ve mentioned at least twice, has been spectacular. If they can come back to make the playoffs from here it’ll be an astonishing effort.

Best Comeback of the Year

Jesse Ryder. The victim of a disgraceful cowardly assault that almost ended his life; he has come back in style and will return to the international cricket arena on Boxing Day. Well done Jesse.

The Thank God He’s Not Playing Anymore Award

Shane Warne. I know he was only playing in the Beeg Bash last year. But the breathing wax model was only a shadow of the top player he once was when he last played and he looked embarrassingly comedic when he tried to hit top running speed. Not missed.

The Shambolic Sporting Organisation Award

Football NZ. Just amateur in every way. The new CEO has the goods on paper. I sincerely hope he can translate that into results; I believe he can.

The ‘Why Do All Their Teams Have the Same Name?’ Award

A few years ago NZ Hockey wisely chose to call almost every New Zealand team the ‘Black Sticks’. Weird decision and, just quietly, I suspect they are going to be in the running for this award every year.

The Tall Poppy Award

SBW. Nobody in NZ sport divides opinion more than Sonny Bill does. I read an opinion piece this weekend that said Sonny ‘has no mana and no loyalty’. The ‘article’ then went on to compare him in a negative light to the good ol’ All Blacks of the 1960’s who played ‘only for the Black Jersey and national pride etc etc blah blah blah. What a yawnfest. SBW is the consummate athlete and, in my opinion, a far better rugby player than he is a league player. He is able to change teams and codes because he’s good at what he does, he is constantly looking for a new challenge and, quite simply, because he can. I’m rapt he’ll be in contention for the All Blacks at the next world cup. I’m stoked that he’ll be in line to play for the All Blacks Sevens side at the Olympics the following year. In Sevens he’ll be a devastating forward and almost unstoppable up the middle of the park with his power and ability to offload at will while drawing in three opposition players. I don’t care if he, eight other All Blacks and DJ Forbes make up our squad. That’ll be fine as long as they come back with gold medals.

Predictions for 2014

Phoenix

Will recover from the shocking first half of the season, finish in sixth spot and upset Brisbane Roar in the first round of the playoffs before losing unluckily in the semi-finals to the Newcastle Jets.

Breakers

After a horror 2013, they regroup and win every game of the rest of the season, including the grand final. Boom.

Black Caps

Building on their newly-acquired knowledge that not every delivery they face needs to be thrashed over the fence and that the forward defensive shot is not illegal, the Black Caps batsmen also decide to emulate another popular NZ team. They introduce a haka before every innings, take to wearing headgear and subsequently scale new heights to go through the year unbeaten.

Irene Van Dyk

Will discover she is actually 47 years old. Signs a new 5 year contract with the Silver Ferns and continues averaging 99% shooting success. Also announces her candidacy for Prime Minister at the 2017 election.

All Blacks

Will win every game and bring through a succession of young exciting players who continue to re-define the game of rugby. The British media will continually report that the AB’s ‘are beatable’ and ‘are showing signs of weakness within their ageing side’ while all the home nations are defeated in succession. Oh wait, that was this year…

Netball’s Fast Five Tournament

This 20/20 equivalent will abandon the netball aspect of the tournament as they realise only two teams are actually capable of winning it. It will instead be changed to a dress-up dance party. I doubt some of the umpires would even notice the difference.

Super 15

Average ground attendance in New Zealand and Australia will be 1,206 while in South Africa the average will be around 84,000. For the first time ever ratings information will show that not one person in NZ or Australia watched a game played in the Republic. Meanwhile the NZRU declares the tournament a great success. The Hurricanes lose their last eight games to finish 9^th as they ‘build for the future with some fantastic young players.’

Liverpool Football Club

Will win the Premier League. End of story.

Joseph Parker

Ends the year in the WBC, IBF and WBA top 10 rankings. The WBO releases their rankings too but it’s not clear what number they assigned to Parker as nobody reads the press release because nobody cares about the WBO.   

The End for Ifill?

Finally if, as it appears, Paul Ifill’s career with the Phoenix has come to an end; what a sad way to finish. Coming back from ruptured Achilles injuries is very do-able but at 34 years of age with his contract expiring in a few months and his form starting to fade the odds are stacked against him. If that was indeed the end, Ifill will be remembered as probably the best player to have donned the yellow and black striped shirt. He was a firm fan favourite and I hope he sticks around Wellington in the future to help develop our young footballing talent.

Merry Xmas All!

Till Next Year,

SG